fucking awesome

After condoms and lube, a good clitoral vibrator is the most important sex-related product in my life.  But somehow, for all of the dozens of vibrators in my toy box, I have yet to find that perfect toy.  I make no secret of my great love for the standard pocket rocket, but it has its flaws.  The vibrations are perfect, but the form of the toy leaves something to be desired.  When I saw the Masseur by Cal Exotics over at Eden Fantasys, I decided to check it out.  The silicone exterior and ergonomic shape looked like a step in the right direction.

What it is:

The Masseur is a water-resistant vibrator designed for external use.  Its main body is made out of lightweight plastic, but the surfaces designed to be in contact with your body are covered in 100% silicone.  The shape is designed to be comfortable in your hand, and the controls fall naturally under your fingers.

There are two buttons: power and function.  The power button activates the toy, and turns it off, but does not start the vibrations.  After the toy is on, press the function button to begin the vibrations and page through the three speeds and four pulsation patterns.  To stop the vibrations, simply press the power button.

This vibe takes two AAA batteries which slide in through a hatch in the base.  The hatch does have something of a gasket, so it is water-resistant.  The packaging claims that this toy is completely waterproof, but so few toys actually are that I would be cautious.

It’s not difficult to take care of the Masseur.  A quick wash with warm water and mild soap will get the silicone nice and clean.  If you’re really concerned about cleanliness or would like to share this toy, wipe it down with a 10% bleach solution first.  A good water-based lube will make this toy nice and slick; avoid using silicone-based lubes as they can bond with the surface, making it permanently tacky.

First impressions:

This toy is a part of Cal Exotics’ Couture collection, and they’ve been doing a much better job on packaging with this line than with many of their other toys.  Nothing about the packaging says “luxury” or “high quality” to me, but at least it doesn’t have some moaning porn star with bad hair and 5 tons of makeup on the front.  Instead, it simply has a picture of the toy with some streams of water on the front.  I guess it does kind of remind me of my first successful masturbatory experiences, once I figured out how to use the water from the bathtub faucet to get off.  The toy comes wrapped in a kind of foamy plastic inside the box.  It was pretty easy to unwrap.

The Masseur I received is pink.  Not just kind of pink, or half-assed pink.  It is a serious pink.  A Pepto-Bismol pink.  The color reminds me simultaneously of abc bubble gum, chalky Pepto-Bismol, and that episode of The Magic School Bus where they go inside Ralphie.  Sexy!

This toy is very light for its size.  While this is a quality I appreciate in objects that need to be held relatively still over a period of time, it actually did not turn out to be so great for this toy.  I held it over a bright light and it appears to be mostly hollow.  If you’ve had basic physics, you may be able to imagine why this doesn’t work out well for a vibrator: vibrations traveling through air are not perceived as vibrations, but instead as sound. And, well, if you’re looking to design something that makes a lot of noise but doesn’t transfer vibrations well, a mostly hollow vibe is definitely the way to go.  It’s true, the motor does need some empty space to swing its little weighted arm around to make the vibrations in the first place, but the more solidly the motor is encased in the material of the toy, the better the vibrations will transfer.

Do not expect this toy to be soft and squishy.  There is a thin layer of silicone over the plastic of this toy, so it’s there more for its texture and hygienic properties rather than its pliability.

The battery hatch is exceptionally difficult to get open.  I used a screw driver to press down the little tab and have not been successful in trying to do it with just my hands.

Actual use:

I guess it will come to no surprise, then, that the performance of this toy was not so hot.  You can hear its little motor buzzing away, but very few of the vibrations actually make it to the surface.  It’s barely a tickle.  I put this vibe on my clit and felt more frustrated than turned on.  I threw it aside for a stronger vibe.

I came back to it later, you know, to give it a fair chance.  I found that I do like the tug of the silicone against my skin, and that using the toy in place of a finger for friction on my clit and vulva felt pretty good, and the hint of vibrations certainly helped.  But it didn’t get me off.

T and I tried it out on each others’ neck and shoulders to relieve aches and muscle tension, but the vibrations simply did not travel deep enough.  The shape of the toy was just right to curve with my body, and the hard plastic did feel good when kneaded into my skin.  But it may as well have been a non-electronic massage stone without any kind of vibrating functionality!

The bottom line:

Nice try, Cal Exotics, but maybe think it through a little better next time.  The shape is excellent, and it is an attractive little toy (except for being OMG PINK).  I’m glad to see that the Masseur has been made with high-quality silicone.  But this vibrator falls short where it really counts: actually vibrating.  If you’re the kind of person who likes really gentle vibrations, I feel like there are plenty of better options out there for you, toys with a true range of intensities so that the toy doesn’t become useless if your preferences change.

I am honestly considering dissecting this vibrator in the name of SCIENCE!  Otherwise it will just sit, unused, in the bottom of one of my toy bins.

Thanks, Eden Fantasys, for sending over the Masseur for me to try in exchange for an honest review.